It took me 60 Years to Understand this Key to Happiness!

Do you prefer to watch rather than read? Here's the link to the video on YouTube. 

 

It has taken me 60 years to learn that to have true contentment and peace and happiness in your life boils down to just one simple thing. Now, I'm a slow learner, but I'm hoping that by sharing this with you today, you won't take so long to realise this simple truth! But before I share what I've learned, I'd just like to talk for a moment about wisdom. 

 

When I was growing up, I always thought there'd be a point in my life when I'd be a proper grown-up. You know, there'd be a point where I'd know how everything worked. I'd have it all figured out. I'd know who I was, how I felt about things, how the world works. I'd be wise. And my 40th birthday came along and I'm thinking, no, not a grown-up yet. And then my 50th and then my 60th and bam, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

 

Of course, I've always known what the secret to happiness is. Perhaps you do too. You see, this secret truth to happiness in life is not something you have to study for or strive for or work towards. It's the exact opposite. In fact, what you have to do is let go. That's it. Loosen your grip. 

 

Stop trying to make things happen. Accept that control is no more than an illusion. Bear with me! 

 

We spend so much of our lives striving and that in itself isn't a bad thing, is it? We need to build careers, build families. You need to have that "doing" energy to get yourself into a gym program and stick to it or climb a mountain, run a marathon, stick to a diet, whatever. But the problem is, we try to apply that kind of doing energy to other aspects of our lives where it doesn't belong. And that's where so much angst happens and so much unhappiness. 

 

I had a friend once, let's call her Jan. Now Jan was always very put together. In our friendship group she was the one that always turned up perfectly made up, beautifully turned out. She had a high flying job that she absolutely loved which took her all over the world, but she was one of those women and I'm sure that you know people like her, who always had that anxiousness about her, that edginess. There was always anxiety in her expression, whether it's the tightness of her lips or the look in her eye. It made me feel uncomfortable. knew she was anxious. 

 

Now, Jan was married and had been for some years. Let's call him Jeff. And Jeff liked the finer things in life too. Together, Jen and Jeff didn't have to worry financially. They had everything they ever wanted. The nice holidays, the cars, the investment portfolio, whatever they wanted to do. They never had to worry about it financially. 

 

But Jeff had an affair. It was at a time in Jan's life when she was looking after her mum during her final illness. She was under so much pressure, and the fact that Jeff chose to have an affair at that time was really damaging. Though she was hurt, of course, she was preoccupied with looking after her mum, and she didn't have the headspace to actually do anything about it, or even really to confront him. 

 

So she went on trying to make him love her, trying to make him love her more so that he wouldn't look elsewhere. And that kind of ruined all the wonderful things in her life that she'd built up, because she always had this in the back of her mind. How can I make him love me more? Am I doing the right thing? If I say this, if I do that, will he love me more? Now, Jeff went on to have several affairs. The last I heard of Jan she had left Jeff. She had gone on a retreat in Koh Samui and found herself. I don't know where she is now, but I like to think that she's happy and putting herself first and that she's let go of that control of trying to make someone love her.  

 

Because you can't, can you? You can't make someone love you. You can't make a parent love you more than they do. You can't keep wanting to be included in a family thing that you're never included in. You have to let it go. Anything that happens to you in life that follows you around, that has you ruminating and thinking about it over and over again, that's a sure sign that it's something that needs to be worked on because you need to let it go if you're going to be happy. 

 

We waste so much of our lives trying to control things, thoughts, other people, other people's actions. I'm guilty of it. That's why I didn't learn this truth until I was 60. I want my adult children to all get on. I want them to want to come together in one place regularly and be surrounded by them. But that's not for me to control. They're not going to get on all the time. There are four of them. The family dynamics are not for me to control anymore. When they were little I could, metaphorically speaking, bang their heads together and teach them how to get on better. But I can't do that any more. 

 

When my daughter emigrated to the other side of the world, I could have put on emotional pressure. I could have begged her not to go because I'm heartbroken. I don't think that that ache is ever really going to go away, because I miss her and I miss my grandchildren. But what would be the point of that? 

 

I chose to consciously let go and I supported her as much as I could physically and emotionally as she made that transition to move overseas. If I hadn't done that would I still be part of her life? You know it's not about me. But it's also a little bit about me because I know that if I'm going to be part of her life I need to support her life decisions. 

 

And I've been across a couple of times now I can see she's happy. That doesn't mean I don't miss her. But I've let go of trying to control the decisions that she might make with her family and her husband. I'm still part of her life, albeit at a distance, but letting go has made me feel at peace.  

 

So what does that even mean, letting go? It's all very well to say it, isn't it? But what is it and how do you do it? Well, for me, it's about connecting with that still, quiet part of yourself where your soul resides, if that's what you believe in, that essence of you. 

 

I do it through meditation, yoga, some journaling sometimes, when I remember, a gratitude practice that I do every morning. I still have my ups and downs, but overall, letting go has served me well.  

 

Letting go of depression and sadness. Letting them float away from me. Letting go of wanting to be in control of my life 100%. Letting go means slowing down, doing the things that you enjoy with intention. Noticing the world around you, stopping to smell the roses. 

 

I've come close to it before. If you've had children going off to college, you know how hard it is to let them go at 18. I mean, they're still babies, aren't they? But I did manage with each one of them to consciously let them go and cut that umbilical cord. Because you have to. You've brought them up and now you've got to trust them to look after themselves. Know right from wrong and know that you're always there for them if they need respite from the world outside, or they just need a cuddle or some advice. But they have to come to you.  

 

So it's that old thing, isn't it? If you let something go, it's more likely to come back to you. And that has definitely been my experience with my children. There's a period, if you have children, where they leave and they individuate, and they become their own person. They work out who they are in their late teens and through their twenties, and they're building their careers and so on, and it seems as if that empty nest is a very very quiet place. But in my experience, once they partner up and they start having families of their own, they come back again, and then you get to love their children. Loving their children is a reflection of how you loved them, and that's why I love being a grandmother so much, because it gives me a chance to relive, but also make new, memories with my children.  

 

I've loosened my grip when I've been ill in hospital and really had no choice but to lay back in those nice crisp white sheets and let other people take care of me. And it's a relief. When you start practising this letting go, you will feel the relief come over you. 

 

Life has this habit of biting you on the bum and inviting you to get a grip again and hold on more tightly. So letting go isn't a one and done process. It's a roller coaster. But once you're conscious of it, you can keep coming back to it. 

 

As I've grown older, I've realised that letting go of control when it comes to other people, like my children, is actually a sign of respect, of showing trust in them as adults. I've accepted the parameters of my relationships, no longer striving for more time, more attention, more love from those closest to me. I concentrate my life on me now, what I want, and I let go.  

 

For all that I have my ups and my downs, I feel so much happier for it, and so much more at peace. How does that sit with you? What would letting go mean for you? What would it look like? Is there something that you've let go of that means that you're happier now that you're older? I'd love to know. Feel free to comment and let's have a discussion about this. It's such a simple, simple truth, and really i think it's the basis for everything as you get older.  

 

Loosen your grip, let go of control, go with the flow. Because life starts to flow when you're not holding it up. Let it be. Until next time